KROD: Funny Songs

Whatup all you crazy cats out there in the blog-o-sphere? KROD is back for another month of drunken debauchery. This month - funny songs.

I was lucky enough to be matched up with Katie from Struggling Single Twenty-Something. This is the first time I've 'met' Katie, but a little research revealed that she likes to travel, so she is instantly my best friend (should I mention that I've visited about 90% of her travel goals outside the states? ...Shameless plug for my other blog).

Another interesting fact; this girl has never had a boyfriend. Like, EVER. Surely we can pull together as a team and sort this woman out with a half-decent man. Oh, wait, she has a requirements list about a mile long. I guess she knows what she wants? According to this video it is some dude that works in Starbucks. Just as well career aspirations aren't on that list.

I'm not doing a very good job am I? Maybe I'll let Katie introduce herself...

The song I picked isn't funny as much as adorable- "Taylor the Latte Boy." It's been sung by several different people, but the most famous version is Kristin Chenoweth's. If you haven't heard the Cheno's version, go here immediately, then come back and watch my video. I love this song- in fact, I love it, I love it, I love it. It makes me smile, and I hope it makes you smile, too! And make sure you head over to my blog Struggling Single Twenty-Something to see Sandy doing a funny parody of a song you might know with different lyrics.

Being the huge Flight of the Conchords fan that I am, the obvious choice would be one of their myriad of hilarious tunes. But I like to keep you bitches on your toes. So if you want to check out what I came up with; head to my most awesome friend's blog, Alexandra at The Tsaritsa Sez.

Train Travel in China

China is the only country in the world (that I have visited) that sells a standing train ticket. For your 30 minute journey that might not be a problem, but for a 13 hour overnight journey, standing is not ideal.

I'm not sure if you are aware, but there is a shed load of people in China. Meaning when I tried to book a seat on a train for two days in advance; there were none left. In-fact there were none for a week! But I could purchase a standing ticket (for the same price as a seat). There was no way I was going to wait around for a week, so I bit the bullet. It can't be that bad, right?

The train itself was worse than I could have imagined. It was insanely crowded! And it seems the Chinese like to spit a lot, wherever they are. No point opening the window to spit outside when there is a perfectly good spot right in the aisle. They also like to throw their rubbish in the aisle, especially peanut casings. So in the aisle you have a mixture of a thousand people, spit and piles of rubbish... I managed to secure a little spot sitting on the floor, just out of the isle so I wouldn't be spat on, but was continually bumped and jolted all night. And it got better...

Across the aisle from me was a screaming baby. They don't really use diapers in China, so every time the baby wanted to pee, the mother just held it by the thighs in a sitting position and let it go for it... all over the floor right next to me. I learned one lesson from that trip - when in China, do not skimp on transport. I advise you do the same.

Encore!

I'm easing back in to blogging, so this is going to be short and sweet. You go to see a band. They play a solid 90 minute set and pretty much rock your balls off. Then they leave the stage...

Five minutes later they come back and play another three songs. Why? It seems like a waste of time and energy. You needed to leave the stage for a power nap? A quick dump maybe? Or maybe you just want to ego boost of having a few thousand people chanting your name for you to return (OK that last one does sound pretty good). Just stay on the stage, play your set, then walk off. Don't be a sheep and play an encore like everyone else. Isn't that what music is about? Being original and expressing yourself.

I was at a Pearl Jam gig (off the hook btw) and they did three encores. Three! They walked off stage at the end of the gig, then walked back on, walked off, then back on, off, on, before finally leaving for the final time. Now is that really necessary?

KROD: Legends

'Tis true, noble KROD'ers, I have returned. I embarked on a perilous journey over twelve months ago. An adventure of epic proportions, one to the far corners of the earth! All with one goal in mind; to uncover the holy grail. Eternal life? Pffft. The true reward of the divine chalice is the ability to blow peoples MINDS with killer pipes and unhinge the universe with mad lyrical styles (side effects have been known to include spontaneous pantie dropping). The Flight of the Conchords once possessed this gift and came up with this little ditty. I think we can all agree that no ordinary human could pull off that performance.

But I digress, I was successful in my quest! I uncovered the grail in a small cave deep in the heart of Romania. I had to fight an army of 4 toed leppers with nothing but a bread stick and a cybertronic organism; sent back in time to ensure the safety of earth. I drank from that legendary cup and I was transformed!

Basically what I'm trying to say is, ya'all better get to steppin' 'cos this shit just got real.

Apologies, I'm a douche.

To celebrate my triumphant return is Sandy from Just Sandy. You all probably know her better than I do, but one thing I do know is damn, this girl can sing. I mean, sing like a baws! She bangs out 'No one else on Earth', originally by Wynonna Judd. Check it.

Now this may surprise you, but that whole intro was a lie. To be honest my video is pretty shit-house. I'm actually hopeless at singing and there are no lasers, cybertronic organisms, or anything cool like that... But if you insist on torturing yourself, all you need to do is amble on over to Kanriahs blog: One Red Wall. Don't say I didn't warn you.

People Like ME!

I'm not really sure why? I mean, I have been extremely lazy, barely entertaining, too wrapped up in my own self importance to even think about the bloggy-blog world... But I'm not going to try and understand your crazy minds.

Does anyone else sing the lyrics to 'Doggy Dog World' by Snoop Dogg in their head? Except change the lyrics to Bloggy Blog World? Because I definitely don't...

Now I actually received two awards, but I cannot remember who gave me the first. I know you bitches don't believe me, but it's true. I wouldn't lie to you... OK, maybe I would, but I'm not this time. Pinky promise.

The second came from the most hardcore homeboy of all time. People have actually shit themselves after a sideways glance from this dude. You all know who I'm talking 'bout; Rio over at Good Music, Bad Math. So this is it. The Memetastic Award. I'm pretty sure only the most crazy, awesome, sexy, athletic, handsome, amazing in bed bloggers receive this award. I mean, it has balloons and a teddy bear jumping for joy!

I am not 100% clear on the rules, but I have to tell you five things about myself. But some have to be untrue. So what is the point if they are not even true? I hear you ask. Well... good question. I think the deal is that you have to guess which are true and which are false. WOW, that sounds SUPER-CALI-FREAKIN'-lame. But I will play along....

I plan to visit Kazakhstan in the next 6 months
I'm a slut. At least I have been for the last 6 months
I once broke my leg in an unfortunate snow-sledding accident
I'm getting a tattoo on my ass next week
I LOVE gummi-bears

I now need to pass on the torch... I have to bestow this honour upon three to five worthy bloggers. I know you lazy bastards wont carry this on, but meh.

Sara's Organised Chaos: Sara is my bestie. She is crafty, has great taste in music and is all around awesome. Plus she vlog's about anal sex. CHECK IT!
ginntastic: I stalked this b*tch SO HARD after checking out her karaoke vlog a couple of months ago. Hottie for sure. Not to mention interesting and intelligent. Full package, ya'all!
The Chronicles of a College Girl: The beautiful Daniella. She writes better than I procrastinate, and I am one laaaazy mother f****r.
The New Adventures of Christine: I almost slide off my office chair every time I see a new post. Her illustrations are awesome AND hilarious!

That's all I got. PEACE, y0!

Karaoke Blog Ring of death... Round IV... FIGHT!

Ladies and Gentlemen... Welcome to this spectacular fight tonight, the EPIC karaoke battle of LOVE!

In the red trunks, weighing in at a formidable 72 kilograms, at a height of 1.82 meters, the Executioner from England, the Mad Musician...

Kit 'Killeeeeeeer' Marsdennnnnn.

And in no trunks, completely free-balling, tipping the scales at a ridiculous 728 kilograms, and standing 83 meters tall, the Worldwide Web Warrior, the Eliminator from planet Earth, and the current heavyweight karaoke champion of the woooOOOOOOOOOORLD.

The blog ring of DEEEEEAAAAATH!

AAAAALETSGETREADYTORUMMBBBLLLEEEEEEEEEEE!



WINNER by technical knock-out... Kit Marsden!

If you want to see me crack some heads crank some tunes, you can see me over at Rio's Blog: http://www.goodmusicbadmath.blogspot.com/

This is actually going to be my last entry into the blog-ring for a while. But I explain it all in my video... and am lazy so cannot be bothered writing it all out here. So go check it out!

Oh, and what is the deal with all the dudes this month? A Kit and Rio sandwich, with a delicious Lost filling? Nice guys and all but, uhhh, not keen!

Cold Feet

Winter. It's shit. I am definitely more of a summer person. Yes, I do realise that I moved to England - a country well known for its shitty, cold weather. But does that remove my right to moan about it? Hell no!

I'm generally a warm person. I don't know why, but it is pretty cool. Whenever I have a lady-friend over they always cuddle up to me because I am so warm. WIN! But one part of my body that I just cannot seem to get warm is my feet. They are like little blocks of ice attached to the end of my legs. I wear three pairs of socks to bed and it doesn't help. And there is no way I can wear socks when it's time for business - you know how stupid that looks? Naked except extra thick, woolly socks? Not sexy.

OK, lame post, but that's all I got... I have read about four blog posts in the last three months, and posted about the same number myself. I have neglected you, my interweb friends. But it is all for a good cause! I am going on an adventure. An eight month adventure! Trying to get from London to Australia without flying. I leave in about six weeks - so I'm pretty stressed right about now. Unfortunately this blog is going to continue to be neglected. Like the skinny, unco kid with no friends, left on the sideline while all the cool kids play stick-ball.

There is one small glimmer of hope, you can follow me on my travel blog. Yes, there is less profanity, and you probably won't gag when you read my posts, but you might find my crazy adventures in Bulgeria, Macedonia, Kosovo, Albania, Montenagro, Serbia, Romania, Latvia, Estonia.. and about 20 other countries somewhat interesting? Or maybe not. Anyway, check it: www.kiwiscanfly.com

Phantom Dumpers

Scenario: You are at work, minding your biz, doin' your thang. Only you drunk a whole lot of lychee juice earlier, and now it decides it wants out. No biggie. You go to the toilet, walk into an available stall... and you find some dirty bastard has done a reversie. Well, they probably haven't actually done a reversie, but there is shit coating the bowl. Gag... But you can't walk out now and find another stall, how weird would that look? So you hold your nose and try to look away, while still keeping your eye on the game.

Now you might think that is where this post ends. But no, it gets better. You finish up and walk out... and someone is there waiting for your stall. Someone important, like your boss. Or that hot chick you want to bang. Although I have no idea why she might be in the mens, but just go with it... Now it is logical to assume that YOU have left this... mess. But how do you breech the subject? 'You know all that shit covering the bowl in there? Yeah, that wasn't mine. I just pissed on it then got the hell outa there!' No, that would be weird. All you can do is live with the fact that your boss (or the hottie) thinks you are a disgusting pig that likes to shit everywhere and not clean it up. Not cool.

Karaoke Blog Ring of FIRE III: FUCK

Yes, I've been the absentee father. Casually showing up whenever it damn well suits me. Drinking on the sideline and yelling at the ref at my sons soccer games. Hitting on the mums at my daughters ballet practice... What ya gonna do about it?

Actually, my holiday season has been kinda hectic. Think drinking, sex, drugs and rock n roll. All TO THE EXTREME! It is kinda like your holiday season on Powerthirst. I can hardly remember a lot of it. I think I went to Scotland at some point? Maybe that was an acid induced hallucination. Irregardless, I've been busy. And I don't have time for you pesky kids.

So this is going to be a blog without me really having to think. Thank god for the karaoke blog ring. This month the theme is fuck. That's right, any song you want as long as it contains the most versatile of profanities.

And this time around I gots me Allie from Little Skeleton. Yes, she is a little late, but we will forgive her. You cannot hold a grudge against someone so cute ;) oh, and she has been suffering from the nasty plague of death! Not fun. Anyway, I'll post her video up when she gets it across to me. So check back soon!

UPDATE: This post is now pretty much redundant. Unfortunately the plague has taken poor Allie. But do not worry your poor souls, she is in a better place now... OK, that was a lie. She is still with us, but too sick to take part this month. And yes, I have solicited sexual favours in lieu of a video.

In the interests of maintaining the loop - if you would like to see your humble grinder make a complete cock of himself (again), you need to head over to the girl with the epic boobs the most awesome of bloggers - Mandy, at The Real Mandy Moore (seriously, she is EPIC). Check them it out!

Lies!

Everyone hates liars. Whether it be your boyfriend telling you that he was out with the lads last night, a prospective employer telling you that you did a great job in the interview, but you're just not right for the position, your friend who continually makes up bullshit stories and tells them as fact, or "it's not you, it's me". They all SUCK! But that is not what this post is about. What really grinds my gears is socially acceptable lies.

When did it become OK to lie to small children? Almost everyone out there does it. And I'm not talking about the little white lies either; "Spot has gone to live on a farm with a million bones and open fields for him to run in and dig holes". Or the necessary lies; "Where do babies come from? ... uhhh, the cabbage patch!" I'm talking about blatant -Ima fuckin' lie right to your face- lies. Don't know what I am talking about? How about the big fat dude in a red suit that flies around delivering presents.You are lying to your child. Your pride and joy. Your blood and bones. Your BABY!  Just because everyone lies about it does not make it OK. One day the school bully is going to shatter their fragile dreams. Their innocence. And who's the asshole? That's right, you are. Liar!

Parents tell lies and don't think about the consequences. There are people in therapy still dealing with the lies that their parents told them 20 years ago. They just don't think about how their lies might fuck kids up. Example - "If you don't go to sleep a monster is going to jump out of your closet and suck out your eyeballs!" You think that is going to help get a child to sleep? No. It is going to give them a fear of closest. And sleeping... for the rest of their lives. "If you lie, your nose will grow"... Maybe someone should have told YOU that as a child. And you could deal with the confidence issues surrounding the size of your nose, the rhinoplasty and the $10,000 bill that comes with it. Children look to their parents as the gods of their tiny worlds. Whatever comes out of their mouths is gospel. But parents abuse this right by filling the child's head with things that make their life easier. "If you pick your nose your head will cave in" - What the fuck? Anyone who tells a child that has mental problems. You scare the shit out of your child so you are not embarrassed when they go digging for gold. Yeah, good parenting...

The lies are endless. Tooth fairy, Easter bunny, "If wind changes your face will stay that way", and the best one of all - "you won't get into trouble if you tell us the truth"... LIES! When I tell you that it I cut all the strings out of your tennis racquet, took the lube from your bedside cabinet, shaved the cat, put my younger brother in the dryer and turned the dail to "SUPER SPIN", ate all the cookie dough while your back was turned, stole the next-door neighbours skateboard... Ima get my ass whooped!

Why are the lies necessary? Why do we need to make children believe that there is a huge bunny that delivers chocolate eggs? Just quickly - have you ever thought about that. A giant rabbit... delivering chocolate eggs. That makes absolutely no sense. Maybe if it was a giant chicken that delivered the eggs? Anyway, I do not understand the point of it all. Is it so when they find out it is all a big hoax they can hate you for the rest of their lives? You can keep psychiatrists in business? Why can we not just say - this is a day that was used to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. Now big business uses it to sell lots of chocolate. Here, have an egg...